Study break is here and I’m all geared up to study!
Which is because school is so unproductive and most of the time I end up too tired at night to study.

SO YAY FOR STUDY BREAK!!!

Going to sleep nawz, waking up tmrw at 7 to make breakfast (think waffles and scrambled eggs) then off to mug!!!!!

WHEE!

Today was a relatively happy day for me, because all the lessons just zoomed by.
But then I got back my maths test which I failed…(grumble grumble), but anyway THAT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T STUDY OKAY I SWEAR.

Anyway Zhix and I booked tickets for the movie on Wednesday and I am so excited because I haven’t watched a movie in ages (2 months?) and then we’re going to have a nice little dinner after that. I am so happy because school is so dull and this makes my life a little more worth living.

I am very tired and my eyelids are drooping but I have to finish up a bit of population stats.

Jar of Hearts

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are

It will work

My workload is getting heavier, my days longer and more depressing.
Because, A levels are that much of a burden and 3 more months seem like a point of time in my life that will never materialise. That.makes.me.sad):

And then, my age and position in life makes me go…
WOW.
I’M
EIGHT-FREAKING-TEEN.

So what exactly have I accomplished in life?
What have I done in the past 2 years that are worth mentioning? You know, sometimes I feel like I’ve allowed time to trickle through the gaps between my fingers.

I reminisce about the past. On the bus on the way back from school, when I’m bored in tutorials, when its late past midnight and I can’t make myself go to sleep. Sometimes I think about every possible way that I could have changed a point in my life, made something different, some life changing decision.

I’ve made mistakes. I have let the important people in my life slip by. I lose the things that occupy a huge part of who I am.

I wish that maybe I could be a bit more generous with my time, my love, my -whatever that I have- so that it becomes a sort of anti-venom to the bitterness of never ever receiving enough.

I wish I was not so dependent on people. I wish solitude was a bit less frightening for me because it invites me to meet the stranger I’ve been dying to avoid.

And then ironically I wish I could stop pushing people away. I wish I could stop saying ‘I can handle this’ because most of the time I can’t. I wish I could be brave enough to show that I am afraid.

I wish I could stop reading so much into things.
I wish I could just see things the way they are meant to be.

I wish

I wish

I wish I could live a more fulfilling life, go to better places, be a better person.

I love that feeling. The one where you take a deep breath in and just KNOW that everything will be alright. That everything is just going to turn out fine. Where even though everything looks hopeless and dismal, your just KNOW it’ll be fine in the end because its just going to be. Like maybe the world would stop spinning so fast and everything seems crystal. Like how things will run the way you wanted it to and people say the things you want to hear. I need more moments like this. I need plain, hard confirmations because I hate living in uncertainty. I hate that feeling of dread when I’m caught in-between grey areas.

But we all know that is so far-fetched. We know that people don’t chase that kind of dream anymore.
We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is hope. Hope for the best.

Even if hope was the best liar on Earth.
I guess we would just have to believe her.

Confess your hidden faults,
Approach what you find repulsive.

Anything you are attached to, let it go.
Go to places that scare you.

We wake up yet to another morning

I am feeling…contemplative(?)
and no, we’re not talking about the emo-kind of contemplative. Its a deep, intellectual thing that (yes) I think still resides deep in the corners of my, tired but ultimately still working, brain.

So much so that I’m actually considering majoring in psychology.
Just because I want an answer to the disparity between how people portray themselves and who they actually are. So many things going on simultaneously that makes me itch to get that answer. Maybe I do have a foggy structure in my head but I don’t have the answer. I know the thought swirling in my brain but the words I want to say are like voices underwater.
Distorted.

Because I am compelled towards reason.
Everything has an underlying reason/meaning/agenda. You may not think so but it really does.
I want to be able to analyse and get an answer.

I don’t know if I’m the only one thinking about this or do other people too? When I look at people, when I see situations, everything seems so dismal. I see the ugly in people (okay not everyone, there are still people I love with ALL MY HEART AND I LOVE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE OUT). When I see them, the world gets abit dimmer and the passage seems longer and lonelier, the air is suffocating, thick, heavy.

Maybe I’m going abit mad from over-studying (I hope I am over-studying heehee).
Maybe I feel like setting something on fire just so I can throw my head back and laugh out loud.

Maybe I just want a reason for everything?
Maybe the truth, an answer. A FREAKING SOLUTION DAMMIT

Hmmm, but whenever I learn the truth about something, I get disappointed.
Ohwell, I’m just saying…

Off to bed:)

Weekend:)

What I loved about this weekend:

1)Finally got down to packing and making my room a livable space. And this is when I realise I have so much random/unnecessary stuff lying around in my drawers. Ended up with 3 garbage bags full of trash and a clean room:) Love!

2) Walking around parkway looking at prospective Iphone casing:)

3) Understood my BOP and Foreign Exchange notes. Finally!

4) Bought pudding mix! <3

5) New tumbler designs:)

What I hated about this weekend:

1) Another week closer to A’s

2) My sister is going crazy about the hot athletes she sees during her volunteering, and poor me is at the receiving end):

3) Didn’t study Geography like I planned to

4) Walking around in parkway waiting for the mother to come made me realise the amount of things I want to buy and the pathetic amount of cash I have in my wallet.

Let’s hope for another great week ahead:)

I would love to…

On a lazy Sunday morning, I would love to wake up at around 10,
snuggle into my blankets and breathe in the smell of baby powder.

Take the time to shower, maybe sing to ‘Hey Soul Sister’ while I’m at it.
Change into my favourite tank top and shorts,

MRT all the way to Terminal3 with nothing on my mind except whatever is playing on the Ipod.

Amble to Starbucks, order a Grande Caramel Macchiato,  banana muffin/toast.
Find the cosiest spot with the best view of the airport
Fish out a good book from the bag
And spent the entire morning/afternoon reading and occasionally looking up to people watch.

That is how my Sunday morning should be like,
Alas we have the privilege of A’levels so all these will have to wait